Humorous Quotes

1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
3. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
4. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
6. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
8. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
9. A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds.
10. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman
11. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Humours Quotes IV

1. Going to Masque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
2. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
3. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still at the bottom of the list.
5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
6. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
7. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
8. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
9. Knowledge is, knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
10. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
11. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Humorous Quotes III

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. ― Elbert Hubbard

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist

When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed. ― Laurell K. Hamilton

No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it. ― Fernando Pessoa

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. ― Oscar Wilde

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel. ― Terry Pratchett

I don't hate people. I just feel better when they aren't around. ― Charles Bukowski

When I was your age, television was called books. ― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. ― Robert Orben

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ― Rodney Dangerfield

Humorous Quotes II

1. He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
2. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
3. Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
5. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
6. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
7. No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
8. All my life I've wanted to be somebody; I realize now that I should have been more specific.
9. The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
10. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
11. Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Humorous Quotes

1. When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.
2. Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
3. If we're not supposed to eat animals ... how come they're made out of meat?
4. Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.
5. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
6. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
7. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
8. The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.
9. When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.
10. I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
11. The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.