Quotes that Amuse

1. I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.
2. We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
3. Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
4. We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
5. A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.
6. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.
7. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.
8. My life is all maths. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
9. It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.
10. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.
11. If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.